I will never betray this woman’s trust or confidence, but a girlfriend of mine a few weeks ago told me she has been “sexting” and having an emotional affair with a man for two years. Her husband and children have no clue. She says it isn’t cheating.

Let’s look at this together. I’m interested in topic.

Firstly, let’s review a few studies together and see how women and men view affairs and cheating.

Men say: Physical cheating is way more painful than emotional cheating, as men relate to everything in a physical way first. Men are inherently cavemen, and are protective by nature of their possessions. I quote one study where a man says, “The reality is that while we don’t care with whom you shop, talk, eat, or text, we do care deeply about who looks at you, smells your hair, holds your hand, and takes you to bed.”

Women say: Emotional cheating is far worse than a sexual affair. Women are far more inclined to forgive a one-night affair than an ongoing emotional connection. The thought of a husband’s connection with another woman, telling her his intimate secrets, without even physically touching her is way worse than a one night “f&ck.”

You may have your own opinion, but I’m just telling you the research.

And so just what is an emotional affair anyhow?

Emotional infidelity ranges, for example,  from “innocent” daily coffee breaks to the office cafeteria together, to online chatting or talking on the phone until 3 am. Emotional cheating is about sharing your deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings with someone other than your partner. In fact, you can be in the same room as your mate and be having an emotional affair with someone else!

Whatever your thoughts may be, cheating is no doubt both hurtful and harmful to a relationship. It’s truly devastating. Emotional cheating is a new term, and not as black and white as a physical affair. With chat rooms and the explosion of the internet, the temptation is everywhere. If you’re unhappy in your relationship or marriage, you can escape to an online paradise island with the man of your dreams without even leaving the comforts of your own home. This is dangerous. This is scary. This is tempting if you’re not happy.

So I ask you, if you knew your partner was “connecting” with another woman in an emotional way, and not a physical one, how would you react?

And just when does flirting become emotional cheating? A glance, a stare, a wink, a gentle touch, they can all be signs of innocent flirting. But how far do things have to go before they aren’t so innocent anymore? A married woman I know once said, “It gives me a little rush when someone flirts with me when I’m out for dinner with my girlfriends. I feel like, yeah, I still go it!” For me, this girl is heading down a slippery slope. Now I’m not prude or anything, I just know how fast things can escalate. I’ve heard first hand how it starts out innocent, and before you know it, you’re in a full blown lying and cheating affair. 

So, ladies, what can you do if you feel yourself or your spouse getting too close to another person even if you nor they are actually having sex with this person. STOP BEFORE IT ESCALATES. Just think, if my spouse knew what was going on, would they approve? If the answer is no, then put the brakes on. Having an affair is wrong. And in my opinion, if you are so unhappy in your marriage that you are constantly seeking adulation elsewhere, then seek counseling to work on yourself, or leave your marriage. But don’t cheat. Cheaters suck.

Which leads me to another day and other related topics…  Are women worse than men when it comes to this topic? Are we monogomists by nature? And another one to come that many of you have emailed about; do you stick around because of the kids? All “fence” issues…

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! Thank you for all your visits and comments. I love reading them.

xoxEDxox

And tell us, what’s worse for you; the physical or the emotional cheat? Would you leave your relationship if your partner emotionally strayed but never had the physical affair? We want to hear!

 

P.S. New website coming soon! When it’s up, I need your feedback!

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tired_woman

How many of you lay awake at night, tossing and turning, unable to sleep? How many of you flip flop around like a fish out of water, and check that clock… 1:17Am, 3:27Am, 4:49Am, 6:30AM…..BEEP BEEP BEEP. Your alarm is ringing, time to wake up!! I am getting tired just writing about it!

The truth is for many, sleep deprivation is a major issue.  We all know how it feels when you’re lying awake in bed trying to fall asleep, and your mind is racing. Thoughts are coming from everywhere, and although your body is lying quite still, your mind is running an iron man marathon.  It’s almost as if you’re thinking 100 times faster at night than you do during the day.

This is the way it may play out for you. You’re laying in bed, frustrated, forcing your mind to not think. “I just need to get to sleep… If I fall asleep in 10 minutes, I’ll have 4 hours left… I better get to sleep now… Tomorrow I can’t forget to make a haircut appointment for the three kids… I hate my job… How I’m going to tell my girlfriend she disappointed me…” and the list of worries goes on and on. So how do you stop it?

I have to say for me, I thankfully do not suffer from this problem. And, I’m not bragging, cuz I have a list of other wacky things I suffer from… anxiety and neuroses being two of the top ones. But, for some reason, when I actually get into bed and close my eyes, it’s for the night. And unless I’m awoken by a little person living in this house, it’s all pretty good here on my end.

My husband, however, is an entirely different story. I feel terrible for him. He suffers with sleep deprivation a lot of the time. It sort of goes something like this. We get into bed together. Watch a little TV. Maybe a little “you know what.”  We both fall asleep. Starting 1am, he awakes, usually for he night, and starts with the flip flopping. The bed is shaking. He’s moaning and groaning he can’t sleep.  I will not let him watch TV in our room in the middle of the night, as I find it “disruptive.” So he leaves for the den. Is that selfish? Maybe, but I’m a mom, and I need my beauty sleep! Then, we two reunite somewhere around 4am, and our bed really starts hopping at 6:15am, when the 2 hoodlums come and take over. Our day begins.

I love it though. For me, my favorite part the day is when the four of us are snuggling in bed at 6am. This does not bother me one bit. I don’t like it at 5am, but anytime after 6, no problem.

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So, before going over how to calm your mind for a restful sleep, I’m gonna tell you the bad stuff that you probably already know. These awful symptoms of your sleep deprivation. It’s no joke ladies. And it has physical and mental repercussions. Besides the lack of sleep effecting our ability to think, to handle stress, and to maintain a good and healthy immune system, it actually kills! I’m not trying to scare you. Sleep is so important to our overall health, that when a study was conducted on rats in a laboratory,  the lab rats that were denied the chance to rest, died within two to three weeks. Yikes!

More scary statistics; all your lack of shut-eye time can be causing you, depression, heart disease, slurred speech, hypertension, irritability, tremors and slower reaction time. It’s also making you age, ladies.

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Before I cause you to jump off a bridge in panic, here are some useful tips to getting a restful sleep.

  • Try and maintain somewhat of a regular sleep pattern. Our bodies have a natural clock and a regular sleep schedule, so a regular wake time in the morning strengthens the cycle. It helps the onset of sleep at night.
  • Your bed is not an office. The only purpose of bed is for sleep and sex. DON’T use it as a workspace for sorting out your papers and projects. You should get into bed with the feeling of calm and relaxation. Not with a feeling of anxiety.
  • Exercise regularly. But don’t exercise late at night, as it raises your body temperature and makes you more alert.
  • Diet. This is really true. Eating a good diet and drinking plenty of water help regulate your body. Feed it the green leafy stuff, and NO DIET COLAS OR CAFFEINATED TEAS OR COFFEES BEFORE BED…. HELLO! Obviously. I would even hesitate having that decaf cappuccino at a restaurant, as even decaffeinated coffee contains traces of caffeine. Opt for hot water and lemon. It’s an acquired taste!!
  • Try and work out your issues in your head beforehand. Try and make a conscious effort to unplug from your office or what’s consuming your head when you walk in the door. I know this is difficult, I’m not saying it’s a walk in the park. But if there’s still things that worry you, or that you must get done tomorrow, keep  a “worry list” on your nigh table. If you panic, jot those things down. They’re off your mind, and on your worry list waiting for you tomorrow. This really helps.
  • DO NOT WATCH THE CLOCK. A good family friend Ricky told me this 8 years ago. Stop being a compulsive time checker. If I happen to wake, I NEVER look to see what time it is. That’s because, if it’s 4:30am, I simply will not return to sleep. I’ll think “hey, I only have 90 minutes left of sleep, what’s the point of returning.” When in reality, those 90 minutes are crucial.  Every extra ounce of sleep counts. Don’t watch the clock.
  • Get out of bed if you really can’t sleep. Studies do show that if you truly cannot fall asleep, it’s best not to force yourself. According to experts, if you do not fall back asleep in 15-20 minutes, you should get out of bed and go to another room.  Try something relaxing like reading a book or listening to music.
  • And finally, SEX. But that was my husband’s tip. He says it works like a charm.

What sleep tips work for you? Share it with our readers!

And, Happy New Year to all our Jewish readers. May it be filled with health, happiness and lots of good things.

xoxEDxox

Oh, this is one of my favorite topics! Men. Women. Relationships. Marriage. I have a lot to say about this topic, so grab your coffee… this is gonna be a longie. Considering our divorce rate is something like 50-60%, it’s not a crazy question to ask if men and women really get along. One of my favorite times spent with my hubby, is when we’re out for dinner. I am a horrible cook (stems from years as a career women and a mother who hated to cook) but I LOVE food. I live for food and a nice glass of red wine. My metabolism so far, all these years hasn’t given out on me yet, so for the amount of food I consume I shouldn’t be my current 5’8″, 117 lbs. My husband on the other hand, can survive on a bowl of Life cereal and a banana.  Anyhow, back to dining together…   If we’re dining alone, I always love to look around the restaurant, and try and challenge myself. In my opinion, I am a very intuitive person. I like to try and guess how long couples have been together just by watching the way they interact with each other and get along. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this out either. You just have to watch body language, eye contact, physical distance and I think one can tell. “Oh my god, this is for sure their first or second date,” or “They have been married at least 15 years… he couldn’t be more disinterested in her. Look at that!” I especially love to watch the dynamics of new relationships. Brand new relationships… ooohh… I envy that sometimes. That spark, the discovery of someone new, a first kiss, hours of getting to know each other on the phone or on a park bench late at night. It’s all so… romantic. And I am a hopeless romantic.

Which leads me back to Venus and Mars. Do we truly understand each other? Can we really get along?

Well, if you actually read the book above, Gray states that men and women have such different needs and expectations, that we may as well be from different planets. We don’t understand what the other wants or needs. We give what WE would want, not what the other gender would want. He explains how UNDERSTANDING the other sex is the key to  a great relationship.

I have to tell you, sometimes UNDERSTANDING ain’t my strong point. I often don’t know when to give or take in marriage. If my husband comes home tired at the end of the day, or in a bad mood, my mother (my best friend and therapist for 25 years) tells me I should be understanding. After all, he the breadwinner of the family, has been out all day hunting for his family, and I should, in her words, “cut him a little slack.” But sometimes, I can’t help not being a little pissed off. Why should I always nurture him? Maybe HE should make a little effort. Maybe he needs to be a little understanding of me, and FAKE IT or something. I never quite know where my needs come into the equation. I actually hear this from my girlfriends a lot. We want to be supportive of our husbands, but what about our own needs? Shouldn’t they make the effort right back? I never know when I’m justified to be resentful, and when I’m acting selfish (one of the unfortunate character traits of my only child syndrome). Most men love to come home to a yummy aroma in the house, a nice home cooked meal, happy and well behaved children, and miss happy wifey. I definitely try… just a little appreciation and thank you once in a while would be nice. C’mon honey, throw me a bone.

I sit on the fence with this constantly.

Ok, he’s gonna kill me. I’m making him sound terrible and ungrateful, which he really is not. In fact, he’s delicious, my best friend (second to my mom of course), and my best life partner and sex partner for that matter. But this is really how I feel sometimes. Just callin’ it as I see it.

So, regardless of what planet we come from, there are a few secrets I’ve read about to having a happy relationship, and bringing the planets together.

1) Communicate. Right? We hear this all the time, but it’s true. The more shit you slide under the rug, the dirtier the room becomes. I really think we gotta have it out when the issues arise. There are so many facets to life, that we have to try and be on the same page. This isn’t always easy for me, as my husband is not the best communicator. I of course, am! 🙂

2) Listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we could listen more than we speak. Just let that soak in for a minute. I have to admit, this is not my strong point. I could go on for hours. We’re told to give our spouses the courtesy you would a complete stranger, and let them finish their point. Ok, I know you’re all gonna try and listen.

3) Date Night. Can’t you drop the kids off at your sister’s house, or parents’? Can you financially swing for a babysitter every few weeks?  Hell, I’ll take your kids. But just, GET OUT. GET OUT together when you can! Dinner, a movie, a bike ride, whatever. Do something you both like to do, and do it together. Sans enfants, as we say here in Montreal. Bring the spark back. You are together for a reason!

4) Love and Respect. These are those clichés we’ve heard for many years; never go to bed angry, fight fairly, kiss each other whenever you leave or come home, say “I love you” every single day. And also “do something for the one you love every day.” Just because.

5) Commit to your marriage. Really, try not to be another stat. Quitters suck. I hate quitters. And, I am not saying to stay in a loveless or abusive relationship. Hell no! I am saying, we give up easily very often. Kids, money, work… it all takes its toll. But, if you commit that your marriage comes first, no matter what, you’ll be a better team.

“I love being married.  It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”  ~Rita Rudner

Well said.

xoxEDxox